The First Real Day of a New Life

Been a while since I've posted because life just became overwhelming for me.  There for a bit just surviving was taking a lot of energy.  I am hoping that this will all change over the next few months.  One of the ways I have learned to channel my new interests is through Pintrest.

My friends all said once you start Pintrest, it is hard to get off of it.  They were correct.  I tend to look at Pintrest before bed.  I have been having fun finding healthy recipes that I hope to make now that I have the time to make real food.

Today is my first day not on school insurance - that is really awkward as I have been on i for so many years.  I went to PT and she said my co-pay was $50.00 to which I replied - that takes care of PT.  I was super bummed because the therapist I had today really helped my neck - a lot!!  When I got home she (Alisha ) called me back to tell me there had been an error and that there was no co-pay.  A miracle for sure - now I could use one more big one.  I am really about out of money ($328.00) and my retirement did not come.  I will call PSERS to find out if they know when so I can try to make appropriate plans.  At the very least I would like to make sure my mortgage gets paid -  That runs a bit over 1200.00.  I have prayed through this entire mess that God would supply my needs according to his riches and glory.  Or is that in glory?  One thing I do know for sure is that at the end of February I should for sure be getting my retirement and hopefully then I can start getting back on track with my bills.  I have learned to block the calls from the credit card companies - which is fabulous!!!

My therapist comes today - I am relieved he does - This ordeal really has taken quite a toll on me.  I know you wouldn't think so - but the emotional ups and downs of all of this has just left me depleted of ___________________ you fill in the blank - you will probably be correct.  The hefty doses of depression medicine help a lot - I am a bit flat affectively - but better flat than something else.  It's funny though - I can still get depressed a bit even with the meds.

Speaking of Meds.  I forgot to take mine before bed last night.  I had the craziest dreams.  I was being chased by men with guns, I was locked up and tortured, and all of this was happening in the hallways of Ephrata.  Someone will have a field day with that one!  I finally forced myself to wake up because I was so scared.   I had an anxiety attack when I woke up because I heard a noise and thought someone had broken in to the house.  I realized I had not taken my meds. - so I got up and took them. I also checked the lock on the door downstairs to make sure it was locked.  Once I had the meds in me and knew the front door was lucked - After about 10 mins. on Pintrest - I was ready to go back to sleep.  Sleep was much better from this point on.

I am hoping that once my life settles down and I get used to the changes, I can get off some of these meds.  I do know a lot of people take meds. for depression and ADD or ADHD - I also know that when these people start feeling better, they stop taking them.  I know that is a huge mistake.  These meds we take mess with our brain chemistry so much you can't imagine.  Stopping and starting meds. is like starting and stopping your car - eventually the starter will go.  Remember - if you take them and you are feeling good - it is because of the medicine that you are feeling good - nothing you've done.  Guaranteed that if you suddenly go off - you will not feel so good!!

Even though I am at the twilight of my life - I feel like I am suddenly learning again - and almost back in high school.  New things to learn and learning more about me.  I wish all of you the same -  And I will try to keep my blog going a little more regularly.


Cheers!

The French Bistro with the Class of 76

The group including spouses

Last night was another Class of 76 get together.  I think that everyone that was there had a great time.  Despite the fact that the restaurant we met in was not really prepared for us, it still was a nice evening.  We have to thank Cheryl for organizing these events, because if she didn’t, this would not be happening.  Sadly I had missed the Wine and Cheese party at Mel’s last month because I had suffered a TIA and was quite sick and could not attend.  It was really good to see everyone again and actually some new people.  For me, one of the exciting parts of the evening was when Darlene saw me and made a bee-line over to me and gave me just a huge hug.  You see, Darlene and I really grew up together in Spring City with our houses being very close to each other’s.  It was also exciting to see Barb Smith and to meet her husband.  Linda brought her husband, who was really a nice guy and then there was Denise.  

Both of these were prior to our really taking over the area

Eventually we got ourselves seated by adding an extra table with fabric table clothes.  The other tables were covered with paper, the kind you find in some Italian restaurants.  I was sitting next to Linda and no one on the left and then Darlene, Kathy, and Denise across from me.  Conversation was comfortable and easy, so it seemed.  I was lucky to sit with people I had not been around at the last one, so I got caught up with everyone.  Linda showed me her daughter’s cake business.  WOW is all I can say about her cakes.  These cakes were really amazing and of course they came at a price.  It looked like something you would see on Cake Wars.  Just amazing!!  Kathy showed me some pictures of her cat.  The fact that her cat was in a cupboard above the refrigerator was amazing.  I know cats are amazing, but that one was something else.  

I’d like to mention that there were others there as well including Len, Robin, Lou and his girl-friend, Barb’s husband, Cheryl’s significant other, Paul, Debbie, Mel, Tonya, and Brian.  I know there were probably others and I missed you, sorry I tried really hard to remember everyone.  

So service was really slow, because they were not really prepared for us and then the front of house was slammed as well.  Many of us did not get to eat until 9 PM.  I don’t know about my classmates, but eating that late is a recipe for a night without sleep.  I have to say though that the pulled pork sandwich I had was primo going down, coming back up on the way home was less than thrilling.  I did stop at Turkey Hill to get a coke, which helped tremendously though there was a good deal of belching going on in my car!!!  As we were patiently waiting, only known to a couple people,dear Linda decided to draw her food on the table cloth.  

Linda initially was sitting at a paper covered table, now she was sitting at a linen table cloth.  I believe it was Kathy who told Linda that the table cloth was linen.  I missed the facial expression Linda made when she realized she had defiled a table cloth!  This was hilarious! Poor Linda freaked out and immediately, virtually slammed the bread basket over top of the drawing so that the servers could not see it.  When Linda got her food, she intercepted her plate so the server would not see the drawing.  She stealthily moved the bread basket to slide the food plate over the drawing.  After she finished her meal, she placed napkins down on the drawing and put her food plate on top of that to make sure the server, again, would not catch the her art work on the table cloth!  Once the server took the plate away, Linda immediately placed the bread basket back on top of  her art work.  Fortunately, the pencil art work she did should wash out easily!  

In case you missed here is Linda's dinner.  Chicken leg, potato I think, vegetables and you can't see it put there is also a fork there too!   She was thinking of EVERYTHING!  BTW in case you don't know Linda's daughter's are artists - this gene must have come from their father don't you think??  LOL - sorry Linda!!

This was the real food that finally arrived for Linda to eat.  It was a pulled pork sandwich.  This is what I had and this is what caused the noises in my car on the way home.

This was after the food plate was removed and how Linda left her place at the table when she left!!  Boy will they be surprised when the strip the table to see Linda's drawings!!!

I was talking about some of the shenanigans Brian and I participated in when were in Junior High, just last week with a friend of mine.  My particular memory happened in Mrs. Galera’s Spanish class.  The class was on the top floor in a room that had a big wood door in the back to separate it into two small rooms.  For some reason, Mrs. Galera went out in the hall and we were able to lock her out of her room.  Brian and I snuck out the back between the wooden doors and then through the other class room’s door.  Both Brian and I high tailed it down to the cafeteria as it was our lunch time.  Rumor filtered down that Mrs. Galera was coming down to the cafeteria to let us have it.  I am pretty sure she knew Brian was in on it, but I don’t think she knew I was in on it.  When I saw her coming into the cafeteria, I went across the cafeteria to some friends and then hid under their table until she left.  Brian may have gotten detention, but I think he just apologized to her and all was forgiven.  It also sticks in my mind that Brian was somehow related to her as well.  It was ironic that Brian would show up for the dinner after I was just talking about him last week and had not talked about him in years.   He came over and sat next to me for a while and we had a chance to catch up.    

That is Brian talking to Mel.  Keith and Paul are having a conversation in the fore ground.

People slowly left as it appeared that many were having trouble pulling away from their old and new friends.  I have to say that I have never heard of any class any where doing something like this.  For me, as I am running into old classmates, it brings back the memories of time spent in Jr High and High School.  Many of us, by the time we were in high school, had moved into different groups of friends and started to move into the direction we planned to go once we graduated.  We have lived our lives, had our children and raised them, and now able to seek out former friends.  

This is Karen - our famous bus driver from the Class of 76!

Once again the Spring-Ford class of 76 had a successful evening at the French Bistro in Royersford.  

The Pain of aging

It's been a number of days since I last wrote.  Mostly this has to do with the depression I am experiencing.  It is true - it does render you rather useless.  I was thinking yesterday how much I love sleeping because I dream and in my dreams - everything is happy and I am healthy.  For almost 3 years now I have dealt with chronic pain in my knee.  I saw a patient today leaving my doctor's office who was 2 weeks out from a partial replacement - she was walking normally - no pain - I don't even know what that is like.  The doctor told me today that she was the norm and for some reason I have not been normal during all of this.  Now I know that I am anything but normal - I have known that from the time I started to twirl a baton.  It was made clear to me that what I was doing was not normal - at least for me - in my town - and even my high school.  I was basically an only child with very few children around that were my age for me to play with.  So I twirled because it was something I could do by myself.  And really that was the main reason I did - that and it allowed me to forget all the stuff that was going on in my life. I would pretend that there was an audience watching me.  I had music - first with my brother's big reel to reel tape recorder and then later with my own small one.  Sometimes I would just hum the music in my head.  Back in the day - football games always showed the half-time shows, so I would sit in front of the TV to record the bands.  That was my music.  So when I would go out and start to practice, I could really lose myself in my twirling.  It was great exercise - at least the way I would do it and when I was done I always felt better.

This was something that I continued to do through out most of my life.  When I needed a break from everything - I would get my stuff out and practice.  Later, when I switched from batons to rifles, flags, and sabers I would get a boat load of that stuff out too.  When I went to college I had an entire soccer field to play on - or I would practice in front of the student education center because it had huge windows.  It would not be uncommon to walk out of night class and there I would be with my music practicing my butt off.  One year I was asked to perform for homecoming.  I had taught another one of my friends, Dan, to twirl too.  He was quite good all things considered.  He was a great soccer player and today is happily married with several children and has his own medical practice in York.  We did a duet to Billy Joel's "The Ballad of Billy the Kid."  We were both huge Billy Joel fans. Later that day, during the halftime of the soccer game, I performed for everyone at the soccer game.  I also performed at a basketball game.   Dan and I also performed in a talent show that was sponsored by my dorm.  We did a reprise of our Billy Joel show, but for the end, I had my twirling squad from Phoenixville come out and provide the back drop for the ending.  It was pretty hilarious.  The Phoenixville girls performed a number and then I was transformed into a cat.  Yep CATS was popular and so I was a cat.  I performed music from the show. It was a lot of fun for sure.

My roommate, Dave, always told everyone he was my manager and wanted 10% of the cut.  Dave was great guy.  We lived together for about two and three quarter years.  I'll have to tell you about the roommate I had while Dave was studying in Japan.  He was from Manhiem Township, the place I live now and knew the girlfriend I had when I started working at Ephrata.  But I digress .........  Every year the seniors create a convocation as their farewell to the school.  This was the one convocation everybody on campus went to because it was so good.  Upon my graduation I was asked to perform at this event.  I was very nervous but received an amazing standing O - when I went into class later that day, my Lit Prof, who was also my advisor, spent over half the class questioning me about my talent and skill.  She also called it an art.

You know even after I won all those awards between my junior and senior year, it never, to me anyway, seemed to make a difference to those in my community.  I was a world champion, but at home I was Billy Harker the baton twirler.  Now I don't want this to seem like I am looking for a pity party for me or that I am seeking adulation - I'm not really - it's just that nobody knew what was going on with me.  At college, for the first time in my life I actually felt appreciated and supported by most students.  The entire time I was on campus I never heard the word faggot thrown in my face.  I don't doubt some were thinking it, but I never heard it.  I never felt like someone was waiting around the corner so he could beat me up.  This would be a fear I struggled with beginning in Jr. High up until I graduated.  We actually had to get a restraining order put on this one guy my sophomore year because he threatened to kill me.

After college, I still continued to "play band".  That was what I called it.  I would do this for hours, just as I had when I was at home.  It still provided me the outlet I needed to get my brain cleaned out.  Some of my peers used drugs and alcohol to do that, I used performing - performing was my drug.  Every place I landed after graduation, I would find a place I could go and set up shop with the car stereo and a trunk full of color guard equipment and would just play band.

I have been in my current house seven years this October 1st.  The first five years I was here I would practice at Manheim Twp high school, sometimes a deserted parking lot near my house, or any area I could find.  It was still my drug and still made me feel ok.  If I was working with a group and they were not doing too well, I could go out and spin for myself and feel better about myself and the group, knowing that I was doing all I could do for the group I was teaching.  There lack of commitment to color guard was on them not on me.  However, no matter how this would play out - it was still frustrating.  For the past three years maybe a bit less, I have not really been able to go out side and "play band".  I had the surgeries on my knee in the hopes that I could get back to doing something I loved as much as people love to go skiing.  To think, at this point, after my meeting today, I may never be able to do that again is devastating!  Marching band, drum corps, and winter guard have been the whole of my life.  To know that age is finally taking its' toll on me is just something I was not prepared for at all.

I am fortunate to have, in my lifetime, to have been able to have written award winning drill for Phoenixville and several other bands, to teach well over 100 color guards up and down the east coast, and to work with such a large variety of people.

Man that felt good.  A little sad too, but it was good for me to get some of this out.  Again, I am not looking for anything in response to this post.  I wrote this more for me than anyone else.  Losing yourself bit by bit as you grow older is so difficult - something I am really struggling with more than I would have thought.