The week so far

I haven't written for a couple days because frankly life for me has not been so great.  I know that so many people that have read this have issues with depression.  Some it is just moderate or intermittent and some of us get into our black holes and can't get out.  We get caught in these "loops" (that is what I call them).  They are loops of negative thinking and believing.  Or our frustration with our lives gets us to this point of severed or deep depression.  I want to feel Joy again - I want to really appreciate the colors I see when I look out my window.  For me this week has been worrying about my job, possible retirement, and the possible loss of almost everything I have known.  That fear of losing the life you have known has to be the worst.  I can't imagine the people who, one day are great, and due to some bizarre circumstance are now out on the streets.  I have been thankful that in my life I have never had to experience that, until this week.  I was looking homelessness in the face.  I'm scared and the more scared I am the more depressed I am.  The depressed I am the more I withdraw and the more I withdraw the darker that depression gets.  I have been blessed to have my friend Kelli and then Chad come and sit with me.  We've talked and laughed, watched some TV and drank some coffee.  It took my mind off my dilemma and that helped.  It is really really hard for me to reach out when I get like this.  If you see your friends withdrawing from life - chances are they might be depressed.  If they seem flat when you talk or look at them - probably depressed.  It was a comfort to have those friends visit.  Would I have gone all Robin Williams if they hadn't ?- no - because through my training as a counselor the only kind of plan you should have for this situation is the one where you take yourself to a hospital.  Usually we know our limits - for me it is when my head feels like it is going to explode - brains and blood splattered everywhere - when I start to feel like that - it is probably time to be thinking about the hospital.  Often that thought a lone will calm me back down to ride the wave of darkness.  I don't want to sound like I am proud of my illness - but I want you to know that I am not ashamed.  It ran in my family, so it really is not surprising that I have it so badly.  The good news is that I have not suffered so greatly in many years.  I have had bouts but never bouts as dark as this one.  In times like this - passing judgement is probably not a great idea - but just reaching out, or offer to just come and sit - or watch a movie together - eat a lot of ice cream - whatever helps - but take the time to do it because it does mean a lot and it does help the person in pain.  Oh and don't try to help them figure it out - just allow them to sit with it and let them know you are there.  More than anything else that will help the person get out of their "loop."  I saw a friend's post this afternoon where she was saying she needed prayer because - although she was not feeling Robin Williamish, she was in a pretty dark place.  I wanted to cry knowing that another one of my friends has to experience these kinds of feelings and moments.

 On top of all this, I discovered that Saturday two weeks ago I suffered a mild stroke.  I have testing next week to make sure there was not damage and that I am ok now.  I suspect I will then be placed on some kind of medication to try to prevent anymore.

Friends I am speaking from my heart and being open and honest about my life. One of the things my therapist suggested was to write about all of this so people know it is real.  That people with depression really can be happy and laughing on the outside, but drowning on the inside.  It is the silent quiet moments where the still small voices enter my head and start asking the what if questions that I have not answers for: that is the worst time.  Night time, bed time, and alone time all trigger my loops for me.

I know this is not a very bright and cheery post, but life really isn't always bright and cheery - sometimes it is just in the shitter!  Hoping that I can pull myself out of that sometime soon!  Shitters are gross!!! :-)

PS-  I am not proofing this - I don't have the concentration to do that - so if you see grammatical mistakes on this post -  keep them to yourself.  You don't want to give a rock to a drowning man do you????

Robin Williams has started a full-fledge dialogue

I wrote earlier about depression.  I write because I have personal experience with it and know how serious it can be.  No one really knows or understands how serious this issue is, but the loss of someone like Robin Williams has really rocketed the issue to the forefront.  What I am posting is a a Facebook post from one of my former students Monica.  I met Monica when she was in 8th grade.  As I recall she was in a car accident that nearly took her life.  As you will read she had to struggle with a mother who struggled as well.  Monica really had the deck stacked against her, but she was stubborn and a fighter.  She never gave up - never!  She had a rough life, but she is a mom now and from what I can tell - a darn good one too!  I am really proud at how hard Monica worked to make sure her life and her children's were better.  She has an amazing sense of humor which is often born out of struggle.  I think humor can balance that sadness and anxiety that can plague us.

Monica is responding to the posts that called Robin a coward for completing suicide.  I read that there was a FOX newscaster that made that remark.  This has been the opinion of those completing suicide.  Mental health officials have been trying to change those attitudes to help people understand that usually by the time a person reaches this point - they have already been fighting a difficult battle and they just can't fight anymore.  It is hard for those left behind to imagine that someone can really feel like that - but they do.  None of us really know what is going on in someone's mind.  When these events happen we tell people to look for signs and to reach out and help.  That helps if the person who needs help wants it, but often people who are feeling this way withdraw from life and relationships.  Sometimes the more we try to help the more they withdraw.  It is very difficult in these situations.

I've spent the last day inside myself, reading the worlds reaction to the shocking suicide of a household name, a man that lifted us, sometimes when nothing else could and I have to say it's brought me down a few pegs. What a tragic loss of a beautiful life. I try not to be horribly negative or dramatic on the interwebs but lately I have found it within myself to share bits and pieces of what's going on in my life and it's obvious that it's been a rough road lately. You see, I have a mother who, in all intents and purposes was my only parental figure growing up and at times, she was great! Best. Mom. Ever! But throughout her life she battled demons that not even the love of a child could penetrate. As long as I can remember she was some sort of mentally ill but it wasn't until the last ten years that it progressed and pretty much swallowed her whole. Sometimes I look at her and still see the mom and friend I once had but it's mostly a shell of a woman I love so much it hurts. Her situation, like so many others has been undoubtably mishandled for so many years that there really is no going back. Doctors have prescribed drug after drug just hoping the next one works only to find that it's not only ineffective but it's making her symptoms worse. I guess what I'm trying to get at is, mental illness is no joke and I've seen the debilitating affects that it can cause first hand. There is a darkness and it needs to be taken seriously. Don't go out and judge a man who couldn't pull out of the deepest depths of his own private hell just because you think he should have sought help instead of taking it into his own hands. Don't call him a coward because he fought one of the hardest battles and that was his own mind. Instead of judging, maybe look at the big picture and realize just how serious mental illness is and how desperately we have to improve the care involved. Please, I am not looking for sympathy on my behalf, I'm just sick of seeing this kind of shit happen and and the negativity that follows.

I am not suggesting not to help or not to reach out to those in need, but you have to make sure they do not have a plan - if they have a plan - the situation is more serious and needs intervention immediately by professionals.  Through my experiences and my clinical psych background and years of therapy, I have learned to have a plan if I feel like I am going over the edge.  My plan is to check myself in a hospital if I feel like I can't go on.  Knowing that I have that plan has been the wake up call that I am in really bad shape.  This has helped me work harder at pulling myself out.  There are those who take medication for depression and other mental disorders - It is really important for those taking them to keep taking them and not to stop if they feel better.  That is why they feel better - the medication.  Go off and on medication can actually cause more trouble.  If you are on medications - stay on them - if you want to stop - talk to your doctor to arrange that process.  You are taking meds that mess with your brain - you need to remember that and take that into consideration when you start making these types of decisions. 

Depression - a life altering problem

This is not a very humorous posting but it is a true posting and only the first one of several.  I am not looking for sympathy - I am writing this because that is I suffer from various degrees of depression and I don't think, unless you do too, many people really understand how de-bilitating depression can be.  What follows is the beginning of my story of depression.

It's not tough for me to share this with certain people but it is tough to post this in a blog that other people will read.  Depression - what a bitch!  No other way to describe it.  I have been battling this since I was a teenager.  It comes and goes - sometimes it is fairly basic, and I can get through it pretty easily.  And then sometimes it comes on like gang busters making life a really dark place.  If any of you reading this suffer from depression you probably get it - if you don't this is all going to sound pretty foreign - but let me tell you it is very real.

My first initial bought occurred my senior year of high school.  It began towards the end of the fall marching season and continued through Christmas before I came out of it.  Remember back in 1975 - people didn't get depression and if you did there was something really wrong with you.   They would totally drug you up and put you in a hospital.  I was so depressed I wanted to end my life.  Now this was not the first time that had happened it had also happened when I was in either 8th or 9th grade.  I know how bad is it when you want to end your life in your middle teens?

What contributes to this?  Well feelings of hopelessness, despair, feeling trapped, loneliness, worthlessness, not feeling loved or accepted, and really the list could go one - but anyone of these can start it and then usually others follow depending on how deep into the muck you get.  Sometimes it can be something like a change in personal dynamics with friends, it can be (in my current situation) the loss of oneself due to injury or a long recovery period.  Frustration with your life or the life you currently are living can also lead to depression.

Of course there are levels of depression to situational type to the severe - the severe shit is serious.  The severe stuff is when you don't really eat much, you don't really want to see people, getting out of bed is a huge effort, you have zero energy, and you basically feel like crap all the time.  For me sleeping is the best because you can shut out everything when you sleep.  Headaches occur and other body aches can occur as well.  You kind of feel like you are in this haze.  Sometimes the haze clears up and the world seems clear again - but most time the haze lasts for days.  Now understand that a person suffering from sever depression is still able to laugh and enjoy the company of others.  But usually what happens is that after the get together is over - the depression worsens for a while.

Sometime you feel like you just want to jump in a car and take off for anywhere but here.  When I suffered my breakdown in 2000/2001 - I ended up going to Texas - it healed me - probably not Texas though I had some interesting times there - but probably more the getting out of "Dodge" and finding myself in a new situation and being supported by some very loving people who knew what was going on and worked really hard to help heal me.  It got so bad at one point that i - for a brief time disassociated  by speaking with a southern accent and kind of turning myself into a Texan.  My shrink said I was doing this to try to protect myself from anymore hurt.  That was a very dark time in my life for sure.  I would not leave the house, I could not drive on the road that took me to my school, and that meant I could not see my brother and sister-in-law or nieces because I had to take those roads to get to their house.  I could not stand big crowds, and I remember my dear neighbors Tina and Steve coming over periodically to check on me to make sure I was ok because my car sat for days on end.

For me it is often a daily fight not to fall into depression and then sometimes you just can't fight anymore and it consumes you like a plague or a cancer.  More to follow