The week so far

I haven't written for a couple days because frankly life for me has not been so great.  I know that so many people that have read this have issues with depression.  Some it is just moderate or intermittent and some of us get into our black holes and can't get out.  We get caught in these "loops" (that is what I call them).  They are loops of negative thinking and believing.  Or our frustration with our lives gets us to this point of severed or deep depression.  I want to feel Joy again - I want to really appreciate the colors I see when I look out my window.  For me this week has been worrying about my job, possible retirement, and the possible loss of almost everything I have known.  That fear of losing the life you have known has to be the worst.  I can't imagine the people who, one day are great, and due to some bizarre circumstance are now out on the streets.  I have been thankful that in my life I have never had to experience that, until this week.  I was looking homelessness in the face.  I'm scared and the more scared I am the more depressed I am.  The depressed I am the more I withdraw and the more I withdraw the darker that depression gets.  I have been blessed to have my friend Kelli and then Chad come and sit with me.  We've talked and laughed, watched some TV and drank some coffee.  It took my mind off my dilemma and that helped.  It is really really hard for me to reach out when I get like this.  If you see your friends withdrawing from life - chances are they might be depressed.  If they seem flat when you talk or look at them - probably depressed.  It was a comfort to have those friends visit.  Would I have gone all Robin Williams if they hadn't ?- no - because through my training as a counselor the only kind of plan you should have for this situation is the one where you take yourself to a hospital.  Usually we know our limits - for me it is when my head feels like it is going to explode - brains and blood splattered everywhere - when I start to feel like that - it is probably time to be thinking about the hospital.  Often that thought a lone will calm me back down to ride the wave of darkness.  I don't want to sound like I am proud of my illness - but I want you to know that I am not ashamed.  It ran in my family, so it really is not surprising that I have it so badly.  The good news is that I have not suffered so greatly in many years.  I have had bouts but never bouts as dark as this one.  In times like this - passing judgement is probably not a great idea - but just reaching out, or offer to just come and sit - or watch a movie together - eat a lot of ice cream - whatever helps - but take the time to do it because it does mean a lot and it does help the person in pain.  Oh and don't try to help them figure it out - just allow them to sit with it and let them know you are there.  More than anything else that will help the person get out of their "loop."  I saw a friend's post this afternoon where she was saying she needed prayer because - although she was not feeling Robin Williamish, she was in a pretty dark place.  I wanted to cry knowing that another one of my friends has to experience these kinds of feelings and moments.

 On top of all this, I discovered that Saturday two weeks ago I suffered a mild stroke.  I have testing next week to make sure there was not damage and that I am ok now.  I suspect I will then be placed on some kind of medication to try to prevent anymore.

Friends I am speaking from my heart and being open and honest about my life. One of the things my therapist suggested was to write about all of this so people know it is real.  That people with depression really can be happy and laughing on the outside, but drowning on the inside.  It is the silent quiet moments where the still small voices enter my head and start asking the what if questions that I have not answers for: that is the worst time.  Night time, bed time, and alone time all trigger my loops for me.

I know this is not a very bright and cheery post, but life really isn't always bright and cheery - sometimes it is just in the shitter!  Hoping that I can pull myself out of that sometime soon!  Shitters are gross!!! :-)

PS-  I am not proofing this - I don't have the concentration to do that - so if you see grammatical mistakes on this post -  keep them to yourself.  You don't want to give a rock to a drowning man do you????