The First Real Day of a New Life

Been a while since I've posted because life just became overwhelming for me.  There for a bit just surviving was taking a lot of energy.  I am hoping that this will all change over the next few months.  One of the ways I have learned to channel my new interests is through Pintrest.

My friends all said once you start Pintrest, it is hard to get off of it.  They were correct.  I tend to look at Pintrest before bed.  I have been having fun finding healthy recipes that I hope to make now that I have the time to make real food.

Today is my first day not on school insurance - that is really awkward as I have been on i for so many years.  I went to PT and she said my co-pay was $50.00 to which I replied - that takes care of PT.  I was super bummed because the therapist I had today really helped my neck - a lot!!  When I got home she (Alisha ) called me back to tell me there had been an error and that there was no co-pay.  A miracle for sure - now I could use one more big one.  I am really about out of money ($328.00) and my retirement did not come.  I will call PSERS to find out if they know when so I can try to make appropriate plans.  At the very least I would like to make sure my mortgage gets paid -  That runs a bit over 1200.00.  I have prayed through this entire mess that God would supply my needs according to his riches and glory.  Or is that in glory?  One thing I do know for sure is that at the end of February I should for sure be getting my retirement and hopefully then I can start getting back on track with my bills.  I have learned to block the calls from the credit card companies - which is fabulous!!!

My therapist comes today - I am relieved he does - This ordeal really has taken quite a toll on me.  I know you wouldn't think so - but the emotional ups and downs of all of this has just left me depleted of ___________________ you fill in the blank - you will probably be correct.  The hefty doses of depression medicine help a lot - I am a bit flat affectively - but better flat than something else.  It's funny though - I can still get depressed a bit even with the meds.

Speaking of Meds.  I forgot to take mine before bed last night.  I had the craziest dreams.  I was being chased by men with guns, I was locked up and tortured, and all of this was happening in the hallways of Ephrata.  Someone will have a field day with that one!  I finally forced myself to wake up because I was so scared.   I had an anxiety attack when I woke up because I heard a noise and thought someone had broken in to the house.  I realized I had not taken my meds. - so I got up and took them. I also checked the lock on the door downstairs to make sure it was locked.  Once I had the meds in me and knew the front door was lucked - After about 10 mins. on Pintrest - I was ready to go back to sleep.  Sleep was much better from this point on.

I am hoping that once my life settles down and I get used to the changes, I can get off some of these meds.  I do know a lot of people take meds. for depression and ADD or ADHD - I also know that when these people start feeling better, they stop taking them.  I know that is a huge mistake.  These meds we take mess with our brain chemistry so much you can't imagine.  Stopping and starting meds. is like starting and stopping your car - eventually the starter will go.  Remember - if you take them and you are feeling good - it is because of the medicine that you are feeling good - nothing you've done.  Guaranteed that if you suddenly go off - you will not feel so good!!

Even though I am at the twilight of my life - I feel like I am suddenly learning again - and almost back in high school.  New things to learn and learning more about me.  I wish all of you the same -  And I will try to keep my blog going a little more regularly.


Cheers!

People, People Who Need People are the Luckiest People in the World

Part of the problem I am having now is not feeling comfortable around people.  If you know me that is not usually a problem for me.  This happened about 13-14 years ago.  It kept me from going into shopping malls and any place where I was inside and there were a lot of people. This time it is not quite so bad, though I still struggle with this a bit.  It was funny that yesterday, I felt that way a little, but because I was having trouble walking on the uneven surfaces and the distances - I did not have time to focus on that because I was concentrating on not falling.  I went to a tailgate - which was fun and everyone was really nice, yet I still found myself feeling like I needed to get lost in a wall somewhere.  Once I got into the stadium, I did not think much about all the people and just concentrated on the game.  It is funny because after a day like yesterday, and I suppose this has to do with spending the day with Anthony, I feel kind of lost and lonely because there is no one around.  It seems odd that my anxiety and panic kicks up in only certain situations.  I also think it is odd that I don't want to be around people and yet after I force myself to do that I feel better, but afterward the loneliness is worse.  Yes I have a dog and a cat and I love them to death, but they can't talk to me.  I can talk to them, and do, but they do not answer back except with their eyes, tales, and ability to cuddle.  I know there are others who deal with the same feelings, and that helps to know.  I just don't know where this came from.  I have not been like this for about 13 years - I feel like I've lost my mojo - and that is not a good feeling.

I am back at it after a break !!!

Looks like I need to write more - 1200 views - I kind of gave up thinking that not too many people were reading the blog.  I don't have but one follower - but now I feel new inspiration ...

So today was spent trying to keep my butt out of hot water financially.  The truth is for over a year now I have not made a study income.  I have been blessed by friends gifting me money, friends taking me to dinner, and friends giving me gift cards for the grocery.  I don't want to go into bankruptcy - been there - done that - but the amount of debt I have incurred because I have had to live off my credit cards - is now kind of staggering.  If I think about it I seriously have a panic attack.  So I try not to.  Come January things will start to change a bit - I hope.  The best was that dumb Bank of America took a mortgage payment out of both my checking accounts.  that was over 1200.00 - now if they apply the second payment to December that will be fine, other wise I will not have enough money to make it in December.

As I write this stuff - I just keep thinking about how this happened to me and why it happened - I know that I am more humble than ever - but between the surgeries, the severe depression, and the money problems - I could use some relief.

I do get some when I visit with friends - they have been some of the best times.  Catching up with high school friends has really helped too.  I get a real sense of support from that group - support I really need right now.  My other friends have been very supportive too.

One of my friends suggested about a month ago I start a GoFundMe.com page.  When she suggested it, I thought it would be an easy thing to do.  I discovered it wasn't and put it off.  Now that I see my money dwindling and no hope for much money coming in and bills to pay - it seems that maybe it is time.  This will at least help to offset some of medical bills I have incurred as well as making sure I can put food on my table.  I know that many of my friends are probably in a similar situation to what I am in - I understand - believe me.  When i hear someone say I don't have any money - I really get that now.  I think I got it before, but now i truly get it!

Guess I have rambled enough for now ... thanks for reading sorry if this was not very funny - I will get a funny one on here soon ... now that I know people are reading it!!!!